Want to know why she lost interest? Doc Love, author “The System,” has the answer here.
I met Savina on Facebook, and we had a date the next day. We hit it off way more than I ever expected, hung out a few more times throughout the week, and each time it was plain that her Interest Level was rising.
She drove with me to Washington, D.C. (I’m moving there soon) to look at apartments. We had a blast checking out the city. Her Interest Level had risen into the high 80s. She literally could not get enough of me.
I never discussed becoming a monogamous couple or engaging in a committed long-distance relationship after I moved, but I did make a point to let Savina know that I liked the way things were going and that I would be interested in seeing how things went after I moved. When I dropped her off after the trip, we made tentative plans to go out on Friday.
Come Thursday, it was like she disappeared. I texted her, and she didn’t respond, and the same thing happened Friday. I have a personal rule not to contact a girl more than twice without a response, so on Saturday I sent her a message that said, “Hey, no hard feelings, but in the future, if you don’t want to talk to or see a guy anymore, just say so,” and kind of wrote her off.
She responded with “You’re right. I should have said something. But I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t know what I want right now. You’re wonderful, but I’m emotionally screwed up. I just think you need to be with someone a little more put together than I am.”
Now, clearly there is a lot of Womanese going on here. It’s one thing if I go out with a girl a few times and she gives me the brush-off if things aren’t sizzling, but Savina and I got along incredibly well and things were very romantic. What I can’t reconcile is how her Interest Level could go from being sky-high to almost nothing overnight. I did nothing that could have provoked that. I get that there’s a chance that me moving away would give her pause when it comes to getting involved, but I made it clear that I neither expected her to commit fully nor that I intended to blow her off when I moved.
I need coaching, Doc. I know that I should probably forget Savina, but she won me over until all this happened. What should I do?
Kal – who’s baffled in the nation’s capital
doc love’s response
If you and your buddy are passing my book back and forth, it tells me that neither of you are memorizing it! Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, “Anybody who lends ‘The System’ out is stupid!” Dude, you have to get and keep the book for yourself — it’s the only way you can reap the program’s full benefits. Plus, by not buying it yourself you didn’t get my CDs!
How can you meet Savina and have a date with her the very next day? You should have gotten her number, waited a week and then called her. You don’t call someone as soon as you make contact with her and set up a date for the next 24 hours. Where’s the breathing space between the two of you? Jumping on a babe so quickly makes you look desperate.
It follows that you don’t go out with a girl a bunch of times the very first week you meet her. In the first 10 or 12 weeks you’re only supposed to see the girl once a week. Are you sure you borrowed the right book from your friend? Because from what you did with Savina, you certainly weren’t going by my program! And something else: You don’t “hang out” with a girl; you date her.
More on why she lost interest after the jump…
Now let me get this straight. You went to look for a place to live in another city and took Savina along? Kal, you spent way too much time with this girl who you don’t know from Eve! You’re seeing her during the week and you’re already taking road trips with her? She’s not even your girlfriend yet! To boot, you’re moving away from her. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Where is this thing going?”
Why in the world are you already making a point to Savina about how well things are going? Guy, you’re absolutely slaughtering Challenge here! What’s more, Savina’s going to evaluate the relationship according to her experience and Interest Level, not because you tell her that you think that everything is going great. Now I’m absolutely sure that you haven’t memorized “The System!”
You don’t ask a girl out for Friday until she asks you why you’re not asking her out for Friday. This is another blunder you made. And you don’t make “tentative” plans — you make definite plans. Buddy, you’re not following anything in my book! This is why you don’t pass it back and forth. You have to keep it near you all the time and read it at least 15 times so you know what the heck you’re doing!
Kal, we don’t go by your personal rules; we go by what “The System” tells us to do. That said, it is okay to contact a girl twice and not again without a response. Unfortunately, it’s the only thing you’ve done right so far.
You should have told Savina that you were writing her off by not contacting her. You tried to appeal to her sense of logic when she was already gone emotionally. After taking her on the road trip and seeing her all week long and setting up your Friday date, you shot your wad. You’re finished, pal.
When Savina said that she didn’t know what she wanted right now, what she really meant was that she wants anybody but you. She’s not emotionally screwed up. What that phrase means is that her Interest Level is below 50%. And that means that you’re history. Like my cousin General Love says, “You had your shot, and you blew it.” You saw her too much, too soon, and you took that trip with her. Way, way too much. By the time she decided she’d had enough of you, there wasn’t an ounce of Challenge left — if there was any in the first place.
You got along with Savina well, but only for a very short time. You should have been seeing her once a week MAX, but you crammed in four or five things with her in a week and a half. You were all over her; you were too available. She didn’t have to wonder where she stood with you, and she never had to wonder how many other women were chasing you. So you never gave her anything to chew on.
Savina’s Interest Level went from sky-high to nothing overnight because it says in my book that if you had 10 years in with her, her Interest Level couldn’t drop that much overnight. But you had no foundation with Savina. You didn’t know her. You had no time in with her. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you have no seniority with a babe, you can be out in five minutes.”
My friend, you did all kinds of things to provoke this reaction from Savina. You saw her all the time. You called her all the time. You set tentative dates with her. You were hanging out versus dating. I can’t believe you ever even saw the cover of my book!
And, again, you were making plans for the future. Why in the world were you laying all this stuff out? Why are you telling a girl you knew for a few days your entire game plan? You’re like a general telling another general how you’re going to attack him on the battlefield.
What should you do? Get your own copy of “The System” because you don’t have a clue!
Remember, guys: Unless you memorize my book, nothing will work.
It looks selfish, rude, immature and as though you are not interested. Many women find it very arrogant to make them wait 7 days and then finally “bother” to call.
Give anyone 7 days to be acknowledged and you will have an unhappy person when you finally do. I’m very disappointed by this suggestion and hope I misread it. 70%+-90% of divorces are initiated by women, and it’s after years of not getting their emotional needs met. As a couple’s therapist I can tell you that waiting a week to call someone is a very very bad idea and will harm you significantly in the long run. Most women would be flattered and honored by a quick call (24 hours). It shows interest and an eagerness to spend more time together.
The vast majority of women have told me over the years that it is extremely hurtful and aggravating when a guy waits to call. Obviously there needs to be some space (5 minutes later would not be wise) and people need to carry on with their lives too (not drop everything for someone you are interested in) but in this microwave society 7 days is an eternity and I’ve seen more men lose an opportunity with a woman by doing this than you can shake a stick at.